Wanna b a Bride? - On the problem of marriage amongst American Muslim women

What do Muslim Egyptian women and Muslim American women have in common?

Until recently, I would have answered: very little other than their religion.  But over the last couple of years I have become more aware of another thing in common: a rapidly growing problem of finding a suitable husband.  The problem is no laughing matter, and it threatens to be a very ominous threat to social structure, both in Egypt (and likely many other Arab countries) as well as in the American Muslim communities.

The title of the post is borrowed from a hilarious series of blog-posts turned into a book by a talented 30-year-old Egyptian bachelorette pharmacist who decided to go public with her 'adventures' while looking for a husband (or waiting for a husband to find her).  If you can read Arabic and understand Egyptian dialect, that blog and book will give you hours of thoughtful fun that will make you laugh out loud.  Sorry, but it is an Arabic only site, although the blog and book are being translated into - of all languages - Italian!!  Do not even ask me why.

But this blog post is not about the problem in Egypt.  And I have been contemplating writing about some marriage and divorce problems in the American Muslim community for some time. Today I want to talk only about marriage - or lack there of - amongst highly eligible American Muslim women.

Getting married has rarely ever been an easy process for both men and women in Muslim minority communities.  But more recently the number of American Muslim women getting married has dropped significantly below the number of Muslim men getting married. Anyone that is involved in 'matrimonial activities' can tell you that matrimonial events tend to have 6-8 times as many women as men.

Two obvious factors have perpetuated the problem. One is of a religious nature, and the other is of a social/cultural nature.

Islamically, and if the Quran is understood at face value, Muslim men are allowed to marry a 'believer' woman outside the Islamic faith.  This usually means marrying a Jewish or Christian woman.  There are subtle constraints but, in general, such marriages are not looked down upon within the Muslim community.

On the other hand, Muslim women are not supposed to marry outside the Islamic faith.  The Quran (5:5) gives an explicit permission for Muslim men, without mentioning Muslim women.  That 'prohibition by omission' has been the undisputed norm in Muslim societies since the early days of Islam. 

I am fully aware of the reasoning behind the distinction between the case for men and women, and I do not see that the Quranic verse that discusses that issue tolerant to any other interpretation.  But I also understand that the permission given to Muslim men to marry outside the faith is not an unrestrained permission.  It is even more constrained when the exercise of such permission leads to serious harm to other Muslims, above all Muslim women in the same society.

But marrying outside the faith is not the only reason for the problem.  Another reason, that I personally believe to be a more sinister one, is the tendency of many Muslim American men to marry a Muslim woman from 'the old mother land'.

I do not really understand why that is happening, and I have few guesses:
- Larger extended family in the old country for those that want to marry within the extended family only (a tradition in some conservative societies).
- 'Mother-in-law-to-be' favors marrying a girl from the old country believing that she would make a better daughter-in-law.
- Some conservative men believe that a 'good girl' from the old country is more 'pious, pure, and – more importantly - obedient' than an American born and raise Muslim girl.
- And finally, and as a woman friend once put it, Muslim young men in American societies tend to be less mature intellectually and socially than American Muslim young women of similar age, social status and education.  Thus they feel threatened by their female counter parts, and want to seek a woman that does not make them feel threatened.

Regardless of the reason, the abundance of very well qualified American Muslim young women who cannot find a suitable husband is a serious problem.  The worst part is that the religious and social implications of that problem are not even discussed frequently enough.

This definitely is not a problem that harms only women in the longterm, but because only women appear to be adversely affected now community leadership, mostly older immigrant men, does not seem to be interested in tackling it or even shedding light on it.

A recent article in the Washington Post covered that topic, but the conclusions were slanted in a direction that I do not agree with.  Still, I am happy that some Muslims activists are bringing  the issue up, and are doing something about it. 

Their conclusions are unfortunately difficult of me to swallow.  They actually argue that since the Quran did not explicitly prohibit Muslim women from marrying out side the faith, and since permitting men to do that leads to the current problem for Muslim women, the answers to the problem should be to allow Muslim women to marry outside the faith, i.e., Muslim woman can marry a Christian or Jewish man.

I tend to support a different approach to solving the problem.  It is a well know rule in Islamic jurisprudence that restricting or prohibiting the exercise of what is permitted and lawful is allowed if it leads to harm.  Many Muslim countries, for example, have strong restrictions on polygamy – and for very good reasons.

Some Islamic scholars have actually suggested that marrying outside the community (Islamic American community in this case) should be forbidden as it leads to an obvious harm to half the society: Muslim American women.  Of course in a free society, no one can 'force' Muslim men to restrict their 'lawful rights', but like in many other cases (e.g., polygamy), strongly-held social pressures have effectively restricted the exercise of polygamy in societies that have not yet had legal restriction on it.

Traditional religious and societal leadership in American Muslim communities tend to be sluggish and scared of change.   They are more comfortable sweeping problems under the carpet, and would rather talk about generalities than offer a specific solution to a specific problem.  That attitude applies to a wide range of religious, political and social contemporary issues relevant to the community.  I do not have much expectation from them anymore.

It is difficult to say if the threat of revolt by Muslim American younger women to adopt alternative jurisprudence opinions is conceivable.  And, I do not personally agree with the alternative jurisprudence opinion expressed in the WP article mentioned above.  But I also realize that nothing short of revolt by American Muslim women can wake up our intellectually stagnant leadership.

Khaled

As usual, short comments and opinion are welcomed and can be made anonymously.  But if you feel strongly about that issue, and regardless of which side you are on, please put your thoughts in a short posting format and email to khaledhamid.ol@gmail.com.  If it is respectful and intelligently-argued, I will post it as a full posting.  Your anonymity is guaranteed if you want.  May be we can have a serious conversation about this topic.

American Muslims and the political process - A follow up to 'Is voting a religious duty?'

A commenter on a previous post about the importance of voting took exception with my feeling that voting is a religious duty. I may frequently assume that what is obvious to me must be obvious to others, but this is not always the case. So, I took the opportunity to express in some detail my sense of the necessity of participate in the American political process and the obstacles American Muslims face trying to be part of the political scene (not all issues will be raised in this posting).

A large number of American Muslims are transplanted from other societies. Early generations of immigrants tend to avoid political involvement in their adopted communities for many reasons, and under many pretenses. Their focus is usually on establishing sound economic foundations for their offspring.

Many also tend to be 'non-engaging' with their new communities for fear of losing their culture. Such desire for non-engagement plagues even some Muslims who are no longer immigrants or first generation American Muslims.

Other Muslims also like to cite their reason for non-participation in politics to be that it is important to hear explicit approval from the different Sheiks, Imams, etc, before getting involved. They also take the lack of repeated and explicit opinions on political American issues by most Muslim clergy to reflect that something is wrong with being part of the American political system.
I do not agree with these assumptions and reasoning, so I will state my case.

I doubt anyone would disagree with the fact that it is my religious duty as a Muslim to do what I believe to be beneficial to my community, Muslims and non-Muslims.

I doubt many would disagree that being part of a society is a choice that comes with some obligations. Citizenship entitles you to some benefits that you should take advantage of only if you agree - implicitly at least - to be in a social contract with the society. You are obliged to pay taxes, and defend the society if it is endangered. You are also in a contract to change the society only in the manners accepted by that society, and out of desire to benefit the society - your society - and not out of hatred for it. If someone does not feel such obligation to their society of citizenship, then they are not good citizens. And for them to be honest, they should strive to find another society to be belong to. And for the immigrants amongst you, do you remember the citizenship ceremony and the citizenship oath you took?

The American society agreed to govern itself in a public and participatory manner.

• Those who have ideas to change and improve the society, i.e. candidates, put their thoughts forward.
  
• The others , i.e., voters, make a 'judgment call' or better yet 'an educated guess' as to whether the plans are possible to implement, will indeed be useful, and whether the candidates seem honest enough to be trusted implementing their proposed plans.
  
• The America society then asks its members to 'give a testimony' as to which candidate they believe is better for our society.

This 'testimony' is represented in your vote.
If I think of myself as a citizen of this country, and as a responsible Muslim; if I have thoughts and feelings about the proposed changes put forward by different political candidates; and if I know in my heart that the proposals will have an impact - positive or negative - on American Muslims, American non-Muslims, non American Muslims and the rest of the world, THEN it is my religious duty to testify. It is my religious duty to vote.

As for religious opinion by Muslim scholars: there are many who have absolutely no problems with voting and political participation. Still, I do not need their approval to feel the way I feel about my civic duties, and my religious duty to my community. Islam is not Catholicism.

Of course, it will be great if our clergy -- and I am using the term loosely, as there is no clergy in the literal sense of the word in Islam -- put their minds together in public forums and engage in lively and free discussion with their communities and outside their communities but that, unfortunately, is just not part of 'our culture'.

We need them to go outside their immediate mosque communities, reach out to Muslims and non-Muslims outside the close circle of their followers, write Op-Eds and publish it on local and national media with what they feel is an Islamic religious opinion that relates to our Muslim community and American society issues.

By doing these things, their knowledge will have the impact that they hope for on all of us; Muslims and non-Muslims. An they would be fulfilling their roles as thought leaders in their communities.

But even then, if we were to wait for a consensus amongst them, we will have to wait forever. So far, we cannot even agree on starting Ramadan, the month of fasting, together or to cerebrate 2 days a year of Islamic feasts together.

Khaled

Voting as a religious duty for Muslims

Is voting a religious duty?
My simple answer to that is a resounding YES.
No matter whether your religion is a minority religion or a majority religion. Voting, to me, is like being asked to tell the truth, as you believe it is, in a court of law. If you are asked to testify, you are supposed to be there giving your testimony.
One of many concerns about the state of the Muslim communities that I lived in in the US, is that political activism, and even political participation, is looked at with some suspicion. There is always that cloud of uncertainty whether it is OK or not - religiously speaking.
Recently, a stupid email was circulated to many St. Louis Muslims by a fringe - and in my opinion, lunatic - group making a bold statement that voting is Haram, i.e., strongly prohibited on religious basis.
What a stupid idea, and what kind of a stupid group spreads an idea like that?
To my joy, the Friday sermon given my Imam Mihajuddin Ahmed in the Weidman Mosque a little over a week ago, brought the voting issue to the forefront in the largest weekly gathering of Muslims in St. Louis.
I do not have the transcript of the sermon, but from the many friends that attended it - and were euphoric about its content and message - the sermon highlighted that it is NOT religiously forbidden to vote. He actually encouraged Muslims to vote, stressing that they need to learn about all the issues, weigh both the likely benefits and possible harms - to both the Muslim community as well as the American society as a whole - resulting from the success of one or the other parties or candidates. Then, they need to vote their conscience. He also encouraged them NOT to be 'one-issue voters'.
It is difficult to overestimate the impact of statements like that by the most significant religious figure in St. Louis Muslim community.
Traditionally, many of the Friday sermons, shy away from 'iffy' subjects. I am happy that Imam Minhajuddin broke away from that tradition. I am praying that all those who are in a position of giving Friday sermons make similar efforts to awaken the spirit political participation, activism and volunteerism in the Muslim community. Muslim will not have a real impact in the USA until they are part of the political system.
As I mentioned to a group of friends in an email "one cannot be neutral in political elections. You may not agree with one side one hundred percent. But if you do not vote, you are automatically voting for the party or candidate that you think is more harmful."

Not voting for whom you think is the least harmful, is an automatic vote for the more harmful.

Do not kid yourself. There is not way to stay neutral. Whether you go to your voting precinct and cast a ballot or not, you are voting.
Khaled

Leadership revisited - Eid prayer in our community

Disclaimer: It is not my intention to pick on any of our local St. Louis religious leadership in this post. I know several - if not all - of them to some extent, and I do have great respect for all of them. I am not saying anything here that I would not say to any of them to their face. If any of them reads this post, their response will be posted as as - no editing and no censorship.

Salaam and Peace to you all:

As I alluded to in my last post leadership, especially in a minority community, should aim as creating some sense of unity and common destiny in its followers. With the diversity we see in the Muslim community: ethnic, generational, economic, religious practices (jurisprudence schools, adherence , etc) it is mandated on any figure in leadership position to reach out to other and ‘different' groups to try to work out obstacles in the way of creating a sense of common destiny. This does not mean compromising core beliefs, but it means having enough religious and practical knowledge to bridge gaps and create a feeling that we are one body - if a limb is sick, the rest of the body responds with fever and aches. After all, out Prophet, peace be upon him, has taught us that explicitly.

Their religious knowledge should also let them prioritize issues properly. Unity of the community should take precedence over minor jurisprudence issues that do not tarnish core beliefs.

Now, we move to the Eid prayer issue. In this city (St. Louis), our last Eid (Feast of Sacrifice, at the end of Pilgrimage) was celebrated on 3 different days. Those who celebrated it on the same day, did that in total isolation from many others celebrating on the same day. It felt that we have absolutely no sense that there is one Muslim community in this city- what a horrible symbol we set for ourselves, and our children.

Many young Muslims cerebrated with their families, while their closest friends celebrated on a different day altogether. The number of the congregants was smaller than it should have been. What is worse, each congregation had a strong 'ethnic' tint - another blow to our prestige and self respect. I have not talked to any Muslim since then that did not have some bad taste regarding what happened on one of our two only Muslim festivities.

I am sure all the decision-making religious leadership has acted in good intentions, and had some good reasons, in their own mind at least. But the bad taste in my mouth tells me that good intentions and religious knowledge did not help achieve the ultimate goal of Muslims: feeling like one.

Good leadership does not only need knowledge. More importantly, it needs the ability to use the knowledge to know what and when to compromise. It needs the ability to go to its followers and tell them that we need to compromise a minor issue that we may be comfortable with, for a greater goal - unity of the area Muslims in this case. The clergy in this town need to get together and help promote the feeling of our oneness regardless of race, economics, Sunnah/Shi'a affiliations, etc.

If the religiously-knowledgeable educated leadership cannot bring itself to do that, how on God's earth could the rest of us do it ????

Khaled

Leadership in the Muslim community

Salaam and Peace to you all:

I have frequently been part of discussions about leadership of the Muslim community. This morning, as I listened to the radio, the show mentioned the leadership of the African Americans in the context of the recent election issues. For a second I was not sure that American Muslims have any leadership to speak about.

To me, a leader is the one who knows about the community, has a strategy and long term goals, senses where the heart and the mind of the community is, then takes the lead in making things happen to bring their community a bit closed to where the communities goals are. Leader should also feel accountable and be accountable to their communities when they fail. They must have a vision for their communities, and may try to effect cultural changes in their communities that may lead to the overall success in the long run. For the Muslim community some of these cultural changes may include: political activism, awareness of individual's civil rights, voting, civic activities participation, and awareness and responsiveness to Muslim community at large with some sense of unity and common destiny.

For the Muslims of America, there is a couple of organizations that have achieved some national status: ISNA (Islamic society of North America) and CAIR (Council on American Islamic Relations) are the ones that come to my mind, and while both have done a lot for the community, CAIR seems to be the only one that have achieved some change in the status of Muslims in the US. Whether at the national level, or the local level, and even when CAIR chapters are run by less than a handful of volunteers, they managed to have an impact on the status of Muslims in the US. CAIR has been considered a formidable advocate and representative of American Muslims to the extend that it has been in the cross hair of many anti-Muslim organizations and a primary target for their slander and hostility - an indirect proof of CAIR's effectiveness, and rising significance.

Despite their small numbers, CAIR volunteers seem a lot more effective than most other Muslim organizations which may be attributed to a well defined mission with clear goals (defending civil rights of Muslims together with educating the public about Islam whenever possible). They also have generally be very independent in setting their goals and mode of operation from the more traditional control figures. Their goals, however, do not require ongoing communication with the Muslim community at large on regular basis. CAIR is an effective advocacy group but, by my earlier definition of leadership, may no be a leadership organization.

While it may be untrue in some places, the presence of ISNA was not much felt in two American Muslims communities that I lived in. ISNA did not seem to be any noticeable presence or control, and is rarely a factor in deciding anything within an American Muslim community. There presence in the media is a lot more limited, compared with CAIR despite wider membership and more abundant resources. For me, ISNA never came across as a leadership organization that impacted me or my community significantly.

What about local leadership:, imams, Shura Council members, Mosque Boards chairpersons, not only in St. Louis, but across the US? Should I/we be expecting leadership in its big sense from them? Are they even capable of representing Muslims in their communities? or are they just managing the Mosques and the religious education activities? Should we even look up to them for leadership in the larger sense of the word?

These are questions for which I have some answers based on my personal experiences. And, to put it nicely, the picture does not look very rosy to me. But, with my limited experience, it is not fair to generalize. Any one out their with more thoughts, or more experience with the Muslim community leadership?

khaled